


Attachment Theory

by TinCanTelephone



Series: From Tumblr, With <3 [15]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: (that's angst about parents), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, But also there's fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Family-Related Angst, Fluff and Angst, also there's a misbehaving toddler, and a side of sickfic, flangst, married, parental angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 14:11:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15121130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: Jyn tries to be a good parent. Better than her father– who she swore she'd never forgive.But it's difficult to push family completely away, and there's a first time for everything.





	Attachment Theory

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marcasite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/gifts).



> for @leaiorganas's prompt on tumblr: "I don't owe you an explanation."
> 
> Basically, on @gloriouswhisperstyphoon's encouragement, I wanted to work an ear infection fic into the Experiment 'verse, then had to combine it with the prompt so this is what happened…

Jyn thinks there’s a 75% chance her head is going to implode. Eventually, it’s all going to be too much and it’s just going to collapse in on itself and  _poof_ – she’ll be gone. Just stressed out of existence. And not because of the snowstorm currently raging outside. Under different circumstances, Jyn might even be enjoying the weather– on the sofa wrapped up in a throw blanket with a mug of tea and a book. Instead, she’s trapped inside with her fussy toddler.

Last week, Jyn was ready for a break. She’d been waiting for it. She’d just made it through several big deadlines Cassian had ten days of vacation saved up. They were going to go to his parents’ house to visit, relax, and eat too much food. Then Mira caught a cold, and after a few days of snotting through Jyn’s shirts and spit-up wipes, started tugging at her ear and screaming when she was put in her crib.

A quick, only mildly panicked visit to the pediatrician revealed that it was just an ear infection, but Mira was too irritable to take anywhere, so they resigned themselves to spending their “vacation” in the apartment. They ate leftovers, stocked up on children’s Tylenol, and took turns pacing up and down the hall while Mira cried miserably into their shoulders. 

Then Winter Storm Boris slammed into the east coast and dumped a foot of snow on the city in less than a day. Not that they were going anywhere anyway, but it made Jyn twitchy to be effectively trapped inside. In between Mira’s tantrums, she kept an ear out for the rumble of snowplows and checked the street every hour. Meanwhile, Cassian checked and re-checked the fridge, taking an inventory of what they had in the apartment and how long they would last before they needed to go and get groceries. 

After a day and a half, and Mira can tell they’re stressed and is more fussy than ever. It feels like nothing works anymore, not even Cassian’s singing, and Jyn’s just about at the end of her rope. 

At the moment, everything’s quiet, but she can tell the clock is ticking. She sits on the sofa and stares out the window, praying for a snowplow and every consecutive second of silence. Cassian’s in bed with a migraine and he could really use some decent sleep…

There’s a thump from the back of the apartment and she jumps, freezes, but Mira doesn’t wake up. Holding her breath, Jyn pads down the hallway and eases open the door to the master bedroom. The alarm clock’s been knocked off the side table and Cassian’s sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees and head between his hands. 

Jyn closes the door behind her. “Feeling better?”

He grunts, which worries her. 

“Does your head still hurt?”

He shrugs and her heart begins to sink. “My throat,” he whispers. “And–” He winces, stares at the floor. “My ear.”

_Fuck_. “Okay.” She steps forward and swallows. This is fine. They’ll be fine. She can do this. “How bad?”

Cassian lowers his arms and takes a deep breath. “It’s not unbearable.” 

“Any fever?”

He shrugs and Jyn puts her hand on his forehead. “You feel a little warm.”

He rubs his eyes and leans down to pick up the alarm clock. “I’ll be okay.”

Jyn lowers her arms and decides to trust him. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

She shouldn’t have trusted him. He doesn’t eat any of the spaghetti she warms up for lunch, then falls asleep on the sofa and doesn’t wake up when Mira starts crying again. 

So Jyn picks her up (again), and bounces her on her hip while reaching one-handed for a wet-wipe for all the snot that dried on Mira’s face while she was asleep. 

Mira snuffles and twists away, whimpering as Jyn tries to get her to hold still. She cries at touch the cold cloth on her face. 

“Shh, shh. I’m sorry, Baby.” Jyn finishes as quickly as possible and pulls Mira back into her chest. “I know you feel yucky.” From what she can tell, Mira’s temperature is down, but it’ll probably be a few more days until she’s back at 100 percent. “You hungry? Maybe want some crackers?”

Mira nods and whispers, “Cacka.”

“Yeah,  _cracker_.” 

Jyn brings Mira to the kitchen and gets her nibbling on a rice cracker when she sees Cassian on the sofa and points. “Dada.”

“Yeah, that’s Daddy.”

“Dada!”

“Shh. Daddy’s sleeping.” Jyn puts a finger on her lips and makes a show of whispering. She moves farther into the kitchen where they can’t see Cassian, but Goddamn object permanence because Mira begins squirming, kicking her legs and leaning away until Jyn puts her down. 

“Okay, but let’s not bother him, Sweetie–” Too late. Faster than Jyn’s prepared for, Mira toddles back to the living room and makes for the couch. 

Unfortunately, Cassian’s face is about at eye level for her and she leans over, tapping his cheek with a sticky hand. “Dada.” 

“No, Mira.” Jyn pulls her away and tries to distract her, but the damage is done. 

Cassian blinks slowly awake and smiles at Mira before turning away to cough into his sleeve. "Hey, _mija_." His voice is rough and he still looks tired.

Jyn winces, holds Mira on her hip as he sits up and rubs his eyes. 

“You should just go to bed,” she says. 

“I’m fine.” He coughs again and one of his hands creeps up to cup his ear. 

Jyn rolls her eyes and shifts Mira to her other hip. “Can we skip the part where you deny it this time? Just go to bed– if you sleep on the couch you’ll–” She glances at Mira, looking in between them with her hand in her mouth. “ _Mess_  up your back again. Then where will we be?”

He stares at the floor and rubs his temples. “Okay. Fine. Do we have any ibuprofen?” 

Jyn bites her lip and looks outside– where snow is still building up on the windowsill. “Maybe. Check the cabinet.”

 

* * *

 

They’re out of ibuprofen, of course. Cassian insists he’s fine as he slumps into bed, but he feels warmer than before when Jyn tucks him in. 

She lingers by the door. “You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah.” He sniffs and coughs into the pillow. “Feel gross, just want to sleep.”

Jyn chews her lip, wonders if it’ll be worth it to venture out into the storm for some adult cold medicine. 

He reads her mind. “No, don’t go outside. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Okay, well. Just text if you need any–” Mira starts wailing from the living room and Jyn wants to tear her hair out. 

Cassian waves her away. “I will. Go on.”

 

Mira cries until Jyn picks her up out of her playpen, then cries again to be put down. Jyn does everything she can to keep her quiet, but Mira’s cranky and harder to please than usual. Toys are cried for, offered, then thrown across the room. She wants to be held, then she doesn’t, she’s hungry, but doesn’t know what she wants, although nothing that Jyn puts in front of her is acceptable. 

After half a sliced banana ends up on the floor along with rice crackers, cheerios, and oatmeal, Jyn decides she’s had enough and lifts Mira out of her chair. 

“Maybe you need to have another nap.”

Mira flails and kicks her legs. “No! No nap!” She squirms away and as soon as she’s on the ground she bolts back into the living room, where she begins sobbing into her tag blanket. 

Officially at her limit, Jyn follows Mira into the living room and scoops her up, then deposits her in her crib and shuts the door. Mira screams at the injustice of it all, but Jyn sets her jaw and opens the freezer. Mira will nap whether she likes it or not and who cares if there's a blizzard going on outside, Jyn wants ice cream, Goddammit. 

She finds a mostly-eaten quart of Rocky Road and sits on the floor with a spoon and tries to block out everything but the taste of chocolate, marshmallows, and walnuts. 

She can see about half of the bottom of the container when suddenly, miraculously, the apartment falls quiet. Hardly able to believe it, Jyn tiptoes down the hall and pokes her head into both bedrooms. Mira’s asleep, tears and snot drying on her face and one hand still gripping the tag blanket. So’s Cassian, snoring softly into his pillow and one arm hanging off the bed. 

Jyn’s glad no one’s around to see the unreasonably wide and toothy grin that spreads across her face as she returns to the living room. Combined with her stained sweatshirt, unwashed hair and raccoon eyes, it probably looks half-crazed. But she doesn’t care because it’s finally  _quiet_  and she can finish her ice cream in peace. Sprawled out on the sofa. Getting chocolate all over her face and sleeves. 

The ice cream carton is resting empty on her stomach when her phone rings. Like, actually rings. Why the fuck it’s not on silent is a mystery, but Jyn practically dives across the coffee table in her rush to answer it.

“What?” She figures it’s Leia, calling to remind her about Mommy and Me swimming at the Y or something else she totally remembered to sign up for. 

But instead, it’s a man’s voice on the other end. “Jyn?”

Her heart drops to her stomach and her face freezes in horror as she checks the caller ID,  _Don’t ever fucking pick up, Jyn. Ever_. Fuck. She brings the phone back to her ear and debates the advantages of just hanging up now, before he can say anything else. 

“Jyn? Sweetie? Are you okay?”

“Don’t  _sweetie_  me,” she hisses. 

There's a pause. “I’m sorry. Is it not a good time?”

“No, no it’s not. Now now, not tomorrow, not eighteen months ago, _when your granddaughter was born_.”

“Okay, I know I’ve–” 

“And also not six months ago, on her birthday. None of those were good times to call.”

“Jyn–”

“Stop. I don’t want to hear it.”

He’s silent for a long while, and she waits, gripping the phone with white knuckles and afraid to move, afraid she’ll throw the phone across the room if she hangs up.

“Did you get the things I sent her?” he says.

“She hates them.” Mira loves the damn things. The stuffed cat that came when she was born has been squeezed half to death, nearly lost at several supermarkets, and had its eye re-attached two times. The blue sparkly dress for her first birthday fit her perfectly and charmed all the guests at Kes and Shara’s wedding. 

“I love seeing pictures of her. She’s getting so big.”

“Where are you getting those?” She certainly hasn’t been sending them. Not after the forty emails she sent during Mira’s first three months went unanswered. 

“Your mother–”

“What, you two are speaking again? Finally miss each other after twenty years?”

He’s quiet again, and Jyn wonders if she’s gone too far. But she presses her lips together and doesn’t apologize. 

“I’m seeing a new therapist, Jyn.”

Oh for Fuck’s sake. “Great. Wonderful. Well you can check ‘call your daughter’ off their little homework assignment or whatever.”

“It’s not like that, I promise. This time will be different– I’m really trying. I realize that work has been… has had a place in my life that it shouldn’t and we’re working on– on realigning my priorities.”

“Good for you.” She can’t quite keep the bitterness out of her voice. 

He lets it go. “And along those lines, I’m working out of the company’s facility in Newark this week, so I’m in the area–”

“It’s not a good time,” she snaps. 

“Jyn, I’m trying to make things right–”

“I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe you anything.” 

He’s silent again. This time for so long she thinks he’s hung up. Then, finally, “You’re right.” 

Her mouth already open to angrily retort, she snaps it closed again and tries to figure out what to say to that. She can't remember another time her father conceded so quickly and so matter-of-factly. 

He continues, “I’m sorry if it’s not a good time. I understand this is sudden. But– if you tell me a little about what’s going on, I’ll see what I can do to make it better. I promise.”

Jyn thinks about it. She doesn’t want to trust him– it’s never worked out for her in the past. Then she looks outside, where the street is still covered in a thick blanket of white. “They haven’t plowed the street yet,” she says. “And Cassian’s sick. I need medicine for him– ibuprofen or Tylenol, preferably. Maybe both. Also, we need groceries. Perishable things like vegetables and fruit and bread. Also, more bananas for Mira.” 

There. Jyn sets her jaw and waits for him to prevaricate or make an excuse. She doesn’t repeat herself or ask if he got all that. 

“That’s it,” she says. “Now, make it better.” Her voice breaks and startles her– oh  _fuck_  when did she start  _crying_? 

“I will, Stardust. I promise.”

She has to hang up before he can hear her sobbing, then runs to her favorite place in the apartment to cry– the shower. She turns it on lukewarm and stands in the spray for far too long and pretends she can’t feel the tears on her face. 

It's not fair. It's not fair to Mira that he missed out on the first year and half of her life. It's not fair that he didn't reach out to Mama for most of Jyn's childhood. And no matter what he says or does now, she tries to remember he can't undo all that. _So why does she still hope?_

Eventually, she steps out and puts on pajamas– who cares if it’s barely 5 o’clock?– and curls up on the sofa with  _The Phantom Tollbooth_. But Milo and Tock have barely left the Doldrums when she falls asleep. She barely hears the paperback hit the floor. 

 

* * *

 

When she wakes up, it’s dark out and she rubs her eyes, disoriented, feeling around for the switch on the lamp. 

She almost doesn’t recognize her apartment. The playpen is folded neatly in the corner, all Mira’s toys are in her basket. The ice cream carton has been thrown away, and when she shuffles into the kitchen she sees the spoon drying next to the sink.

There are several shopping bags on the kitchen table, and a note taped to the largest one. 

 

_Stardust,_

_I am so very sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you and Lyra over the years. I know I will never be able to completely make it right, but I will spend the rest of my life trying. I love you both so much._

_One of my contacts in Philadelphia has a plow on his truck and took care of your street. I used the key over the doorway to get in and will replace it when I leave. In the fridge, you’ll find iceberg lettuce, spinach, and carrots. In the bags, you’ll find everything else you asked for._

_I’ve extended my time in Newark to three months, so I’ll be 90 minutes away should you ever feel up to introducing me to Mira. I would truly love to meet her. Give them both my best. I hope Cassian recovers soon._

_I love you and miss you,_

_Papa_

 

Jyn picks through the bags and true to his word, everything’s there. Extra-strength and regular Tylenol, ibuprofen and cough syrup. Apples, bananas, oranges, even a box of Cutie Pie clementines. And behind everything, a bottle of wine, Jyn’s favorite cabernet– proof he has been talking to Lyra.

But even though she just napped, she feels dead on her feet and just fills a glass of water and takes the Tylenol to the bedroom. 

Cassian wakes up as she sits on her side of the bed. He looks miserable– feverish and sweating and squinting in the light of the bedside lamp. She waits for him to cough and blow his nose before handing him the medicine. 

“Feeling any better?”

He swallows, winces, and slumps against the headboard. “Not really.”

“Sorry.” Jyn slips under the covers and leans up against him. Never mind the germs. They’ll deal with that when it comes. She wants to feel him warm and solid underneath her. Because through the turbulences of her family life, he's always been a constant, someone who was always there. 

“Hey.” He tilts her chin up so he can see it. “Are you okay?” He’s one to talk. His voice is barely more than a croak and his nose is still dripping all over his upper lip. 

“I’m fine,” she says into his shirt. 

He wraps an arm around her and pulls her into him, and her eyes squeeze shut and she’s crying again. 

“Dad came by,” she whispers.

Cassian’s quiet for a second, thinking. “Did you talk to him?”

“Yeah, but only on the phone.” She takes a deep breath. “He says he's going to be around for a while. He wants to meet Mira.”

“Do you believe him?” He turns away to cough and she helps him lie down. 

She presses her hand to where her tears are drying on his shirt. “I'm hoping.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Original Tumblr Post](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/175065874475/ok-my-love-how-about-22-i-dont-owe-you-an)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading/comments/kudos!
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [cats-and-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi!
> 
>  
> 
> Update: further headcanons about this 'verse can be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/177119951220/for-5-headcanons-the-experiment-series)!
> 
> 2nd Update: a preview of Part 5 featuring Kay the cat can be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/179216514360/the-experiment-part-5-preview)!


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